Here is what I gathered so far:
It will happen. It will happen again and again and again.
In the early stages you won’t even know the difference. It’s all the same, it’s a blur. Then you become more aware, more in tune with the tides and rhythms inside of your own little eco system. What follows is the denying, the running away from that sweet little voice of yours.
You will do it again, again and again and again.
Until one day, you decide
that this time
it will be different.
You waited long enough for text messages and plans making. Second guessed your gut and pushed down what wanted to come up. Waisted so much energy getting ready and putting on the armor. Delayed the projects and moans that wanted to come out. You never really trusted this sense of urgency. This ‚if I don’t hold on tight it will slip away‘. Because over the years you got shown, over and over again, that the things that are meant for you will come. With ease. They will stick to you.
So you kinda gotta commit to not lose yourself.
Which is hard since the other person offers you everything you are lacking.
You say ‚no‘ on an empty stomach, to the cheese and fruit platter laid out in front of you. You say ‚no‘, because the starving is inedible. It will come sooner or later. Better to not drag it out.
This might take a while.
But what you will find on the other side is not just a pretty buffet. It’s a whole fucking house. With a bed and a kitchen, with a bath and a fireplace. With a garden and a roof. It has windows and doors and it’s perfect.
It’s messy, it’s clean, it’s cozy. It’s you.
will there always be this mystery? This feeling of: I don’t know what the fuck I am doing I hope this is right. This feeling of: Can’t it not just be enough?
I giggle and I love and I drop in. I surrender, I am grateful, I get tight, I loosen up again. I get scared, I feel pretentious, I get jealous, I laugh, I loosen up again. A never ending cycle.
I wonder … can this be right? Why haven’t I arrived?
There is fear that the peak has been reached and the dark month of the soul are knocking on the door. Can I … maybe … this time, shake them off? Flee to the sun? Extend this love until I get so bored of it? Can I … maybe …this time, stay above?
I feel unbound. And that is scary. At the same time I feel so safe that I don’t even have to fight on my own this time. I feel so safe that I might even ask for help this time. I might even talk to a friend this time.
You know what? I feel so safe that I might even completely surrender into your energy, with all the doubts and fear of manipulation, the fear of building something on unstable ground, of making it bigger than it is. It is, after all, just a chapter in this play, the one which by the way all of us are writing.
So here we are again. Me eying this beautiful buffet of yours. But you know what … I can return to my house any time I feel like it. I have the key in my pocket. Thank you for opening up your world. This time I can explore because finally I won’t get lost in it.