Flowin‘ and Growin‘ — yoga, somatic movement, meditation

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An Archive of Writings. Most of it is in German.

POETRY

It’s really more „following love“ instead of „falling in love“, isn’t it? less a pit, more a path, less a state, more a choice.

snippets from my practice.

the middle way 🍵 free solo unisono

things that september brought:

~shifting my pelvis from an overextended posture to a stable posture

~going on inspiration walks

~deconstructing self-regulation in order for the self to be regulated compared to regulate in order to be of service

~breathing before moving

~letting old companions go in gratitude

~practicing being free solo yet unisono in my partnership

~finding the middle way when my mind offers me the extremes

~eating mashed potatoes with apples, equal amount of earth and sky energy

libra. I see you!

Before I could even come close to something like intuitive eating, intuitive living, I had to break down all the rules I had built up for myself. And I mean every single one of them. Sadly, „fuck the system wenigstens nen bisschen“ doesn’t apply at all. You have to break down the whole system. Wash your hair three times a day if you feel like it. In the book I call it frenzy. A state of great excitement or wild behavior. In that phase, no matter what I did, I couldn’t be on time. I tried. But for some reason, it was impossible for me to be accountable. In that phase, the internal and external shapeshifting happened at such a rapid speed that it was very uncomfortable to be perceived by family members or close friends. I didn’t even realize how little space to move I had before I started to push against the walls. I didn’t know how many micro-rules and status quo I had accumulated over time. For fitting in purposes, for safety purposes, all of them to protect something. It was an equally challenging and rewarding time. Challenging because every time I wanted to step into an old pattern, restrict myself or go the small yet familiar route, I had to stop myself, right there, right then, at work, in the middle of the street, sometimes mid-sentence, and redirect my thinking. I would often freeze, stuck between then and now. Hand hovering, heart beating, mind working. Gut saying „you are safe“, mind bulldozing over “no you can’t be“, belly exhaling, mind slowly opening, intuition forming, mind curious. That happened on good days, and slowly, one by one, the intuitive days became more frequent, the freeze moments shortened, and day by day, rule by rule, my room got bigger. I can move more, trust more. And that was and still is the biggest reward.

That being said …

There’s a road I know I must go
Even though I tell myself that road is closed
Listen, lonely seabird
You’ve been away from land too long
Aw, too long
Seabird, seabird
Fly home
Seabird, seabird
Fly home

(Seabird - Alessi Brothers)

the bf leaves town for a couple of days and I forget everything I ever learned about structure and discipline.
growing up with artist parents I had the privilege of witnessing first hand the balance between creative mess and accountability, between flow and structure, between freedom and safety. not because they are artist but because of the way they decide to live, to parent. the creative force runs so strong through them that it‘s not depended on what they do. write, draw, paint, sculpt but how they do it. how they wash the dishes, how dinner is cooked, how decisions are being made. they are artist not because of what they do but how they approach life. I sometimes feel like a little baby jedi. I grew up with the force, all around me and still need to learn how to handle it. how to create a structure that flows. to not get overwhelmed by the creative rush when it comes over me. to remember to sleep and drink water. to not constantly microdose it out of fear, to not push it when I need rest. when bf is around its easier since he brings structure into my life.
I remember to clean up behind myself, I don’t get lost, I use the windows of alone time in full force knowing that we will eat dinner together. and still there are thoughts and creations that only come out in the small hours, when no one is around, when the kitchen is a mess and the heart is full. as often I find myself marveling at the abundance that balance brings us. temperance was my birthday tarot pull by the way. I look forward to the next few years, sharpening my skills and embracing the hows over the whats.